[Locked to Prefect]

[umgekehrt]

Something happened during the recent body swap flood. You ought to know about it.

[At this point he'll have to accept that his ability to make certain moral compromises has been effectively castrated. Because no. Prefect needs to know as soon as possible.]

Comments

[buywithme]

I have all my memories back, Comrade.

The amnesia was a part of being in Barron's body, so once I was myself again, I remembered. So you can just not tell me anything.

[umgekehrt]

Ah. Well, that's most of the discussion out of the way.

Still it wasn't particularly a kind thing. I'm sorry.

[buywithme]

[Long, uncomfortable pause. Then:]

I can appreciate, that when someone kisses me without warning, it is usually an expression of their fondness for me. Even if I am uncomfortable with it happening, I... I can appreciate that my discomfort is a deviation from the norm, and that I should be grateful for their attention, instead of being resistant to it.

I really don't understand why that happened the way it did, Comrade.

[umgekehrt]

The hell you should be grateful for being manhandled where you don't want it. Not from me nor any other soul.

I was upset, angry about the idea of leaving and angry about the idea of you being harmed and I picked a bad way to show it.

[buywithme]

And you thought I wouldn't remember it.

[And there's that edge of tension in his voice again.]

That's what I don't understand, Comrade. I understand people kissing me because they want me to have sex with them, and I understand them doing it because they want me to be afraid of them, but...

Were you angry at me? For saying those things to you?

[umgekehrt]

For what it's worth, and it's worth very little, the idea that you'd forget the whole sorry lapse in judgment only occurred after. Though it had been on my mind, as I'd hoped you wouldn't remember me insulting friends who're dearer to you than me.

[His own long pause.]

I was angry. At you, yes, mostly at circumstance. While the idea of leaving appeals quite a bit, the idea of leaving folk behind--

I'm very fond of you, Prefect. I admit I'd like to have sex with you, but that's a small part of caring about you a great deal. It was just stupidity on my part, the whole thing.

[buywithme]

I don't think it's for you to decide who is and isn't dearer to me than you are, Comrade.

[He frowns, but the tension isn't leaving, just yet.]

So, was it because you wanted to have sex with me, or because you were angry with me?

[That's probably his biggest concern about this. Was Stildyne kissing him because he was trying to initiate sex (kind of bad) Or... was he kissing him because he wanted to make Prefect feel threatened (worse)?]

[umgekehrt]

I kissed you because I knew I'd miss you.

I wouldn't try to have sex with you, regardless of the flood. If I couldn't accept that I'd want folk who didn't reciprocate, I'd have perhaps half the male friends I do.

[Or he'd be himself ten years ago. And Prefect knows it. So it's not as if it were an unreasonable assumption.]

[buywithme]

Comrade... the thing is, if you hadn't just given me a lecture about how I couldn't leave my cabin because I couldn't trust the people here not to hurt me, then I think I could have just forgotten it.

I am concerned now, because no matter what your intention was, I think you knew that I... did not want to kiss you, and while I don't... I'm not angry about this, Comrade, I don't know how this was supposed to fit into that.

Because I do trust you not to hurt me, Comrade. And I know you probably think that because I'm easy to kill, or because I don't avoid dangerous inmates or wardens, that means that I just trust everyone, but it doesn't. It's different.

[umgekehrt]

You think the best of everyone, though. And that's kept me spaceborne more than once when I was nearly ready to just set down and give up.

You're a good man and you're so damn hopeful and people hurt you. And I can't stop it, because you're a grown man in charge of your own life.

Maybe you oughtn't think the best of me, Prefect. I knew it'd be-- [he adjusts his native metaphor] a bridge burnt when we talked about it again. I do know that you don't like to be kissed. So I shouldn't have.

[buywithme]

I don't think the best of everyone, Comrade.

[This is quite firm. It's something that a lot of people don't get about Prefect, and that he doesn't correct them about, usually.]

I think the best of what they can aspire to be. It doesn't mean I don't notice that none of us ever seem to get there.

And Comrade, don't expect me to adjust my expectations of you because you don't feel like meeting them. If you know you shouldn't have kissed me then you change! You don't do it again, and let me keep my estimation of you high.

[umgekehrt]

Dammit, Prefect. Let a man be a miserable waste of oxygen once in a while, won't you?

[But there's nearly a smile there, after a shocked moment of being jarred out of his own self pity and dark thoughts.]

Fine. Twist my arm. I'll live up to your standards.

...




...thanks.

[buywithme]

No, Comrade. Economical oxygen use only.

[And there's nearly a very small smile in return.]

And it's fine. Thanks back, if you do it.

[umgekehrt]

I...

Well. You're a damn good man. I tell you plenty but I don't know if you believe it.

I owe you more than I'm ever going to be able to swing, I think.

[buywithme]

That's all right, Comrade. I try not to treat my social interactions as monetary exchanges any more, so I haven't been keeping count.

[umgekehrt]

That's all right, I'll be mercenary for us both.

I've got some things to think over. Contact you later?

[buywithme]

All right, Brother. I'll speak to you later.

AND THEN BY SURPRISE A FEW DAYS LATER

[umgekehrt]

[Stildyne's been reviewing this conversation quite a bit over the last few days.]

There's a slightly less convoluted answer, to why I kissed you. It's just more difficult to say. It'll need to be said now, though.

[He'll wait a bit, for prefect to remember, because he's fairly sure Prefect hasn't been reviewing the conversation for several days.]

[buywithme]

[The message catches Prefect off guard a little, but he has been overthinking the incident, so he replies quickly.]

Why does it need to be said now?

[Wait. Wrong response.]

...What is the reason, then?

[umgekehrt]

Because I love you a good deal and it was easier than considering goodbyes.

[It's still hard to admit to 'love'. Even 'care' takes some effort to get out.]

You were right, Prefect. I've got to figure out how. And I'm damned sorry to leave, but I'm no fit warden staying only because I can't stand to leave.

[buywithme]

[There's a difficult, difficult pause here. Prefect's torn between the desire to reciprocate... and honestly, the fear of promising too much.]

You love me a good deal, as a dear friend. I feel the same way about you, Comrade.

[And then there's that second part of this, and it really does make his heart ache. He wants to say more, to try and convince Stildyne not to leave, but... In a way, he really doesn't know if it's right for the other man to stay any longer, either.]

So... you're going home then? Will I never see you again?

[umgekehrt]

It's more than I've had before, Prefect. To be cared for as you've cared for me. There's a man in Jurisdiction who. He.

He made a better man of me, for loving him. He was the first man I loved and he's shaken my life out of its foundations, but he couldn't give me much. By biological inclination and general mistrust. I don't resent him for not returning my feelings.

Because it was him that showed me that in this, you can't be mercenary. Much as I'd like to pretend. That love doesn't wait for repayment or reciprocation.

You gave me something back for it. You made me feel cared for in ways I didn't know that anyone would bother to. And it's not fair but I'm grateful for it. The ways in which our practices don't dovetail-- they don't matter, they don't make any less of what you've done for me.

[He lets out a sigh. Difficult talking this much on such... squishy topics.]

I'm hoping that I'll be back. When there's less hanging over my head. I've come to some decisions. And I'm going to try to make a life worth offering to some folk back here.

...It won't be soon though, Brother. I'm sorry.

[buywithme]

I wish I could give you more, Comrade. I really do wish that I could... express my fondness for you in the way that you would want.

You've been kind to me, Brother. Beyond when it was necessary, and you have been better to the people here than many of us deserved.

[It's on the tip of his tongue, the ridiculous, inanswerable proposition he makes to everyone he cares about when they leave.

Don't go.

It's a cruel request, and this time, at least, he restrains it.]

Why can't it be soon? Time... Comrade, time doesn't work the same way here, you could just ask the Admiral, when he brings you back, to bring you back... I don't know, tomorrow morning?

[umgekehrt]

Frankly, because when I asked the admiral told me no.

Perhaps he's right. I need to come back new and to a new situation.

[Almost a hideous smile. Not quite.]

And I wish that my piece didn't get so involved in my affection for you. But if you couldn't give me every last thing I wanted, you gave me what I needed, and more. Don't let anyone tell you that's insufficient. Least of all yourself.

[buywithme]

[Prefect pulls the most indignant face at that answer.]

The Admiral. I hate him.

[Because yes, he is going to take this refusal rather personally. Why isn't he allowed to just have all his friends in the same place damn it?]

If it had been sufficient, you wouldn't be leaving. [He points out, but... he knows that's not him being fair, and he frowns again.] I'm sorry, Comrade. I just... I'm no good at this. I've never been any good at it.

[umgekehrt]

Prefect. [His scarred heart gives a lurch.]

I'm no good at it either. Look. When Sharpe graduates. Go on a trip, won't you? Even if you can't stay with me and the gentles, come see me? If I'm not back.

[buywithme]

Of course, Comrade. Of course I will.

I'll really miss you, Brother. I hope that when Barron graduates, I'll only have to come as far as your cabin to tell you about it.

[umgekehrt]

I'll miss you as well.

[Why can't he just haul people back to Jurisdiction and have somewhere safe and half-pleasant for them.]

And if you think that perhaps the barge isn't for you anymore.

[buywithme]

Maybe one day. Either way, I'll see you again some time.